As so many of us and our fellow humans are experiencing profound grief I am choosing to share an entry from my Darkest Days. I am using this entry to show that what you’re feeling as the griever is normal, overwhelming and valid. I don’t write like this anymore, the integration of my grief and the attention to the process has allowed my grief to be ever changing. Like the Clear Mourning post on FaceBook said; I love you and I miss you.
October 21, 2016
40 days. Forty long, sad, dark cold days without you. I thought nothing could be as horrific and terrible as the first day- but each day i miss you more. The aching just intensified by the growing absence. It’s too much to bare Marley. Life was supposed to be with you- not a minute to minute struggle without you.
Now we are on Kauai. You wanted so badly to come here, again. How appropriate that I am on an island. Far from so many things. I’ve felt so far away for the last forty days. Fitting to be here. People say, the experts say, to live the life you would have wanted. I know, though, that you want you mama, your daddy and brother. We miss you. Missing you seems so inadequate. I burn inside for you. Your shoes are by our hotel door. Your little dress hangs in our room. It’s a fraction of what it feels like to be your mom- to have packed for you- to have your things here too.
I think about you every moment. A tragedy by virtue requires one to be in the present. I get it. The vulnerability. But I can’t live in this moment. I want your moments. I live in them- the ones where we are together. Mama and Sis.
How can I know to my core that we, all of it, are insignificant in the grand scheme,? Yet, you, my darling perfect one, are more significant that the sun moon and stars? More significant than all of it. More than life. More than anything. I love you sweetheart. I love you and mom is right here.